Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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