Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I would ride that face into the sunset
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
