I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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