Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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