the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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