I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize