if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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