Got a toothbrush?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
