i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
