Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
