Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
