apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
