Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
