Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
