wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I believe in your delicious
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
