I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
