Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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