So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
