If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
