Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
