Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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