im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
