They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
