Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
