ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
