There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
