the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
