Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Randomize
