90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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