I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Houston, we have a squirter
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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