just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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