i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.