she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
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I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
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So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.