It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
