I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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