Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Randomize
