im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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