If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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