you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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