Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
