I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
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Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
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ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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