I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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