just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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