I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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