Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
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We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just had sex on a roof
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So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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