tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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