Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
