Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
