idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
