i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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