I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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