You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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