when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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