I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
