I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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