If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
