Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
