then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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