Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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