my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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