He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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