I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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