Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
